The pair descended the slopes toward the valley as cautiously as they could. Jagged rocks and other natural hazards rose to meet them at every turn. All the while, they tried to keep tabs on the flying creatures above and the giants below. Soon, there would be no place to hide. The black tower that dominated the landscape loomed ever-closer. Lem hoped they were ready for whatever lay within.
Lem
Male Halfling Bard Charlatan
Card Feats: Spell x2, Blessing, Armor
Skill Feats: Charisma +4
Power Feats:
Light Armor proficiency
Once per check, recharge a card to card to add 1D4+2 to a check attempted by another character at your location
Add 2 to your check to acquire an ally or defeat a henchman
Starting Deck
Heavy Crossbow
Wand of Enervation
Sihedron Medallion
Toxic Cloud
Haste
Holy Light
Frost Ray
Lightning Bolt
Cure
Hide Armor of Fire Resistance
Toad
Burglar
Acolyte
BoPharasma x2
BoGozreh
BoErastil
BoAbadar
BoIrori
Valeros, on the other hand, couldn't wait to get down to business. He was most at home when he knew where his enemies were, and had a clear path to victory. This was going to be the best day he'd had in a while.
Valeros
Male Human Fighter Weapon Master
Card Feats: Weapon, Item, Blessing, Ally
Skill Feats: Strength +4
Power Feats:
Hand Size 5
Add 1d4+3 to another character’s combat check at your location
You may use Melee in place of Ranged when using a weapon with the Ranged trait
Starting Deck
Icy Longspear+1
Warhammer+1
Impaler of Thorns
Shock Longbow+1
Scythe+1
War Razor +1
Magic Chain Mail
Magic Shield
Magic Half-Plate
Holy Candle
Belt of Giant Strength
Staff of Minor Healing
Grizzled Mercenary
Burglar
Charmed Red Dragon
Blessing of Gorum
BoTorag x2
BoAbadar
As they neared the valley floor, a few things became more clear to Lem: First, the slope sucked, and rocks sucked. Everything sucked. Second, those creatures circling overhead were actually harpies; creatures that Lem had only read about. When this was over, he would write a new book that aptly described how horrible their half-human, half-bird features looked. Finally, getting past the giants would be easier than he thought. What few giants had remained here after the assault on Sandpoint were packing up and moving out of the valley. Whether they were dispersing, or simply regrouping elsewhere, was impossible to tell.
Turn 1
Lem – BoG
Mountain Peak
Location – Wisdom 7 check – Fail – Bury Burglar
Slashing Blade – Dex+Discard BoAbadar = 3D8 = 16 = Success
Discard BoIrori explore – Magic Shield – Constitution = D6 = 1 = Fail
Valeros was truly disappointed to see the giants leaving the valley. He sighed to himself and turned his attention skyward. Looked like he would just have to kill something else instead. He put a hand to his mouth and whistled sharply. Lem nearly broke his own neck he turned so sharply to his companion.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"Easing my boredom. Don't worry about it. Go read a book somewhere."
One of the many harpies above dove down to meet Valeros, her hideous talons extended. Valeros casually rolled to the side and came up with his longspear at the ready. Clearly these harpies were lovers, not fighters. Valeros was almost disappointed in how easy it was to dispatch the monstrous hybrid. Wrenching his spear free from the carcass, he sighed again and continued onward. This tower had better be more challenging.
Turn 2
Valeros – BoG
Mountain Peak
Location – Wisdom 7 check – Wisdom + Lem Rechage = D4+D4+2 = 10 = Success
Harpy Monk – Wisdom 8 check
Lem – Fail
Valeros – Wisdom + Lem recharge + Discard BoTorag = 3D4+2 = 12 = Success
Icy Longspear+1 + Lem Recharge = D10+7+D8+1+D4+2 = 22 = Success
Close location check – Wisdom 6 – Wisdom + Lem recharge = D4+D4+2 = 5 = Fail
Lem had almost forgotten how reckless Valeros could be at times. He simply shook his head and continued onward. They were nearly to the outskirts of the tower now, and Lem saw several guard towers surrounding it. Many of them were unmanned, but he knew they couldn't possibly be that fortunate.
Turn 3
Lem – BoPharasma
Location – Wisdom 7 check – Bury Toxic Cloud
Guard Tower
Valeros, too, saw the guard towers. He broke off into a jog and climbed the nearest one. Even if there was no enemy to be found up there, at least he would gain a better vantage point, which might allow him to find something worth killing. Upon reaching the top of the tower, he was once again disappointed. Only a giant's corpse awaited him there, rotting and stinking even worse than a giant's typical odor. He turned away, prepared to descend, when he saw the giant body start to move. His disappointment turned to momentary glee as he thrust his spear into the undead giant's skull with a satisfying *schluck* sound. Well, at least the climb wasn't for nothing.
Turn 4
Valeros – BoLamashtu
Location – Wisdom 7 check – Bury charmed red dragon
Guard Tower
Zombie Giant – Icy Longspear+1 = D10+7+D8+1 = 12 = Fail = Recharge Longspear = 22 = Success
Discard BoGorum explore – Magic Leather Armor – Constitution = D8 = 7 = Success
Lem considered climbing the guard tower himself, weighing his options between staying on the ground by himself and involving himself in whatever trouble Valeros would no doubt stir up. His reverie was interrupted, though, by a loud screeching coming from above. Looks like that harpy they had killed had a friend after all. Lem leveled his crossbow and fired at the grotesque creature, not even bothering to watch it crash to the ground behind him as he turned and called up to Valeros.
"Come on, hero, there will be plenty more things to kill inside that tower. As much as I love bird hunting, I know you want more challenging enemies than this."
His keen halfling ears heard a begrudging grunt of acknowledgement from above. Satisfied, Lem continued towards the great obsidian tower.
Turn 5
Lem – BoG
Location – encounter bandit henchman – recharge Acolyte – Heavy Crossbow + Valeros = D8+D10+D4+3 = Success
Sage’s Journal – Banished forever
Discard Toad Explore – Harpy Monk – Wisdom 8 check
Lem – Wand of Enervation - -6 to check – D6 = 5 = Success
Valeros – Fail
Heavy Crossbow + BoErastil + Valeros = D8+D10+2D8+D4+3 = 24 = Success
Recharge Wand = Success
Location close check = Strength + Valeros BoTorag = 3D4 = 7 = Success
The pair reached the courtyard surrounding the enormous tower. Valeros kicked another giant corpse, hoping for another zombie to kill. Instead, he disturbed a rat's nest, and they poured out of their home in the rib cage.
"Oh, come on!" Lem cried from behind him.
Valeros used his best dancing moves to try and stomp the rats as they swarmed over him, but it was no use. They bit and clawed him until he reluctantly began rolling on the ground to crush them all.
"OK, now that's just gross, man." Lem said, shaking his head in disappointment. "I'm not coming anywhere near you until you take a bath after that. You also probably have even more diseases than before, now."
Turn 6
Valeros – BoLamashtu
Courtyard
Rat Swarm – Location Acrobatics 8 check – Fail = 1D4 damage = 2 damage
Reveal and recharge War Razor = D10+7 + D4+1 + 2D4 = 19 = Success
The rest of the courtyard was largely filled with trash and refuse. Typical of giants, really.
Turn 7
Lem – BoLamashtu
Courtyard
Eyes of the Eagle – Wisdom = D6 = 1 = Fail
Discard BoPharasma explore – Potion of Glibness – Banished forever
Valeros did manage to find a decent looking heavy pick embedded in the skull of another giant they came across. He chuckled as the giant twitched when he removed it.
Turn 8
Valeros – BoIomedae
Heavy Pick +1 – Melee = D10+7 = 17 = Success
Staff of Minor Healing – Lem
Lem shot at another scurrying animal as they neared the doors. He hoped that they would be able to open them. They looked extremely large and heavy, made of the same obsidian substance as the rest of the tower.
Turn 9
Lem – BoG
Starknife – Dexterity – D8 = 8 = Success
Haste Explore – Goblin Dog – Location Dex 8 check = D8 = 7 = Fail = D4 Damage = 2 = Sihedron Medallion discard
Recharge Haste = Success
Sihedron Medallion recharge = Success
Heavy Crossbow + Valeros + Discard Starknife = D8+D10+D4+2 = 12 = Success = Banished forever
Cure – Lem – 2
Recharge Cure = Success
Discard BoGozreh Explore – Magic Leather Armor – Constitution = D6 = 3 = Success
Valeros saw another harpy above them as they walked. He looked down at the pick he had just retrieved. Hmmm, he thought, I wonder if I could...
He threw the pick as hard as he could at the creature, and pumped his fist in the air as it connected, with both pick and harpy coming down in a great heap nearby.
"OK," Lem said, "I have to admit, that was pretty awesome."
Turn 10
Valeros – BoPharasma
Harpy Monk – Wisdom 8 Check
Lem – Fail
Valeros – Wisdom + Lem Recharge + Lem Recharge BoPharasma = D4+D4+D4+2 = 8 = Success
Location – Dexterity 8 check – Fail – D4 Damage = 1 = Recharge Magic Chain Mail
Reveal and recharge Heavy Pick +1 = D10+7+D6+1+D6 = 18 = Success
Location Close check = Dexterity + Lem recharge = D8+D4+2 = 6 = Fail
Finally, they reached the doors. To Lem's surprise, they opened as the pair approached. Well, at least he didn't have to worry about opening them, he thought. Still, this was quite ominous. They wandered cavernous halls which were devoid of any activity. Finally, they stumbled into what appeared to be a throne room. On the throne sat a bugbear, fast asleep. Lem cleared his throat loudly, and the bugbear shot up with a start.
"Yes sir, I was just cleaning your throne, sir!" it roared, still half-asleep.
Lem just pursed his lips and shook his head. This was just sad. He fired his crossbow and then began looking around the large room. The walls were lined with all manner of scrolls and tomes. He hoped Valeros let him stay here a while to examine them.
Turn 11
Lem – BoG
Throne Room
Bugbear – Heavy Crossbow = D8+D10 = 18 = Success
Discard Haste Explore – Glibness – Choose to fail
Recharge Haste = Success
Valeros walked around the room as well, casually looking over the papers. He was far from interested, but was simply biding his time until this master the bugbear served showed his face.
Turn 12
Valeros – BoG
Throne Room
Sleep – Choose to fail – Banished forever
Holy Candle – 1
Most of the tomes contained here were either illegible, rotted, or otherwise useless. Lem sighed, of course they wouldn't find anything useful. It was just their luck.
Turn 13
Lem – BoG
Potion of Ghostly Form – Intelligence – D6 = 2 = Fail
Discard BoIrori explore – Elven Chain Shirt – Constitution – D6 = 5 = Fail
Valeros was getting bored now. Very bored. If this guy didn't show up soon, he was going to have to go looking for him. Every moment spent here would make that encounter worse for whoever was running this place.
Turn 14
Valeros – BoG
Token of Rememberance – Intelligence – D6 = 3 = Fail
"Steve, when I enter this room, that throne had better be spotless. And I swear, if I find you asleep again, you are going to suffer a fate worse than death." A voice rasped from a nearby hall. It sounded old, wheezing, but with a certain erudite quality, Lem mused. All the same, he readied a spell and crouched watching the direction that the voice had come from. Valeros, too, was lying in wait. Lem caught his attention and Lem pointed to his other hand. Valeros frowned, and reluctantly nodded.
As soon as the figure entered the throne room, Lem shot lightning from his fingertips at it. The being shrieked in pain as lighting coursed through it. Amid the flashes of light, Lem squinted to make out the form. It was clearly an undead being of some sort, wrapped in burial linens, and clutching a scroll. It turned and fled.
"Oh, HELL no!" Valeros shouted, and chased after it.
Turn 15
Lem – BoSarenrae
The Black Monk – Both choose to fail the Con check – Checks are +4 this turn
Wand of Enervation - -5 to combat check
Lightning Bolt + Valeros = D10+5 + 3D6 + D4+3 = 31 = Success = Location closed
Recharge Wand = Success
Recharge Lightning Bolt = Fail
Valeros sprinted, hot on the creature's trail. It was surprisingly fast for an undead creature. Even as Valeros closed on it, he could see the mummy conjuring spirits to block his path. Valeros hardly slowed, using his trusty scythe to reap the spirits as death had once upon a time.
Turn 16
Valeros – BoDesna
Location – Recharge item to draw card
Courtyard
BoGorum – Strength – Success
Discard Grizzled Mercenary Explore – Ghost – Reveal and recharge Scythe+1 = D10+7+2D4+1+D4 = 21 = Success
Discard BoGorum explore – Chain Mail – Banished forever
Lem took a half-second to lament that he would have to leave so many texts here, but quickly chased after his companion. Again reaching the courtyard, he took a moment to listen for the sounds of chaos which would surely lead him to Valeros.
Turn 17
Lem – BoG
Courtyard
Arcane Armor – Banish forever
Location out of cards – Close check – Dexterity + BoPharasma + BoErastil = 3D8 = 17 = Success = Location closed
Valeros' legs burned as he sprinted back up the treacherous mountainside. Every step he took would exponentially increase the pain he was planning to inflict on this damned mummy.
Turn 18
Valeros – BoCalistria
Mountain Peak
Acid Arrow – Fail
Lem Cure – 2
Cure Recharge = Success
Lem was having a much harder time climbing back up the mountain. Birds, undead, everything that could happen upon him seemed to. Being friends with Valeros was probably the biggest occupational hazard of all time, he thought. He shot his crossbow, expended precious spells. Things died around him, but he had no time to appreciate it as he chased that long-legged bastard up the cliffs.
Turn 19
Lem – BoIomedae
Mountain Peak
Carrionstorm – Frost Ray + Valeros – D10+5+2D6+D4+3 = 16 = Success
Recharge Frost Ray = Fail
Haste Explore - Faceless Stalker – Fail wisdom check - Difficulty +2
Wand of Enervation - -8 to check
Heavy Crossbow + Valeros = D8+D10+D4+3 = 12 = Success
Recharge Haste = Success
Recharge Wand = Success
"Traps?! Are you serious right now?" Valeros growled as a great blade nearly took his hand off as he climbed a sheer rock face. Oh this mummy was going to die, then he would ask Lem to resurrect it, just so he could kill it again.
Turn 20
Valeros – BoTorag
Location – Wisdom + Lem recharge = D4+D4+2 = 7 = Success
Hand Chopper – Dexterity + Lem Recharge + Lem BoErastil = D8+D4+2+D8 = 11 = Fail
Bury card from top of Deck and recharge magic leather armor to avoid the 1 damage
Lem felt like he was going to throw up. Since he met Valeros, you could say that he had been conditioning his body for moments like this, but he had run miles now, uphill, killing mons- He shot holy light at another ogre that leapt out at him. Where was he? Right. Monsters that came out of freaking nowhere. Meanwhile, his partner somehow went up the same paths completely unmolested. That lucky jerk.
Turn 21
Lem – BoIrori
Location – Bury Sihedron Medallion
Ogre – Holy Light + Valeros = D10+5+2D6+D4+3 = 26 = Success
Recharge Holy Light = Success
Alright, enough of this. That mummy must have been a marathon sprinter in his past life. Well, Valeros was a marksman in his. He pulled out his longbow and fired up the cliffside. Casually, he stepped to the side, and the husk of the mummy rolled down to his feet. He really wanted a face-to-face confrontation, but oh well. At least he managed to take him out. He leaned over and ripped the glowing green scroll from the already stiffened hands of the undead monster. This must be important. Maybe it was time to take up more scholarly pursuits...
Turn 22
Valeros – BoShelyn
Location – Wisdom + Lem recharge = 2D4+2 = 7 = Success
Lem Cure – 3
Recharge Cure – Success
Valeros Staff of Minor Healing – Valeros
The Black Monk – Both fail Con Check - +4 to difficulty
Reveal and recharge Shock Longbow (Dexterity) + Lem recharge + Lem BoErastil + Lem BoPharasma = D8+D8+1+D10+D4+2+2D8 = 32 = Success
Scenario Victory!
Reward = Emerald Codex Loot
Post-Game Analysis
This scenario seriously has all my least-favorite locations. I hated all of them. Sometimes, I'm a bit Valeros myself when I play this, and this was definitely one of those times. Still, we succeeded. Yes, that's a Cards Against Humanity reference in the title.
Will Valeros take up reading? Will Lem ever catch up to him on the mountain? Tune in next time to find out!
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